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Laugh when we all still are able to! HAHA.
The doctor tells me I'm crazy, but the voices tell me I'm not. And I just don't know which one to believe. DANG!
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#1 For the females
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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#2 For the guys
A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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#3
Finally, a section entitled to both sexes:
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like “chalk” or “pencil,” she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into 2 groups (male and female) and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The Men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else,
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The Women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you waited a little bit longer, you could have had a better model.
It's a wonder what you can find on the Internet.
Conclusion: Guys are
(No gender discrimination intended though. All for the sake of simple pleasure ) :D
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